Apocalypse -Not now…

Now that the chance of the Apocalypse is almost over (less than 2.75 hours to midnight) I thought I’d share something from one of the Halloween blogs I read, Frog on the Pumpkin. I don’t have actual approval to use it, but sheesh, its so damn funny!  Yikes, if there is no apocalypse today, I might have to do retribution — damn that never on time apocalypse!

  • Rapture tip #1. Do not drink any Kool-Aid if you did not prepare it yourself.
  • Rapture tip #2. Disregard any “rapture” churches which ask you to agree to yearly contributions or have pamphlets detailing summer events.
  • Rapture tip #3. When spaceships begin to appear in the sky, do not flee to L.A. Tom Cruise and Will Smith are actors and cannot help you.
  • Rapture tip #4. If you feel inclined to give away your worldly possessions … please contact me, I can definitely help you with that.
  • Rapture tip #5. Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn’t want a hug … she wants your brains.
  • Rapture tip #6. Protocol is to run screaming into the streets and get hit by cars. This is post-rapture population control for the rest of us.
  • Rapture tip #7. Post-apocalyptic concert will be held at Sazerac in Asheville.  Bouncers will be stopping zombies at the door. Please bring your pulse.
  • Rapture tip #8. Concert is free, but you must know all lyrics to REM’s “End of the World.” Just shouting “Leonard Bernstein” is not acceptable.
  • Rapture tip #9 Rosanne Cash will be headlining our concert. : ) All reports that Elvis will be performing are false … at this time.
  • Rapture tip #10. Mark Wahlberg may make an appearance with The Funky Bunch if we can ascertain that hell has indeed frozen by concert time.
  • Rapture tip #11. Once again … DO NOT DRINK ANY KOOL-AID YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED YOURSELF. And also avoid the brown acid. Dude, seriously.
  • Rapture tip #12. Do not listen to any “preachers” who insist god is talking directly to them. God only talks to me … and Steve Martin.
  • Rapture tip #13. To fully prepare yourself for life without power, gas or computers even if you love playing video games with the help of sites as Elitist Gaming or reading OverWatch News online, please obtain a copy of The Amish Guide to Living.
  • Rapture tip #14. Please note The Amish Guide to Living is not available for the Kindle or Sony Reader. It is only compatible with the Nook.
  • Rapture tip #15. It is not acceptable to enslave an Amish person post-rapture, any more than it is acceptable to own a Canadian.
  • Rapture tip #16. U.S. currency and electronic devices will not be useful post-rapture.  keep this in mind when writing out your “to-loot” list.
  • Rapture tip #17. Not everyone is aware U.S. currency will be worthless. Keep this in mind when directing others to the “best looting places.”
  • Rapture tip #18. Please form orderly lines when setting riot bonfires. Matches will be a rarity in a few months. Let’s try to conserve them.
  • Rapture tip #19. If you find yourself in a building during the Apocalypse, exits will be located … pretty much everywhere.
  • Rapture tip #20. Now is the time to buy stock in Kool-Aid, just make sure you cash out and purchase livestock on May 20 or you’re screwed.
  • Rapture tip 21. Bunkers should not be made of biodegradable materials. People, this is not the time to go green.
  • Rapture tip 22. Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it’s going to be one hell of a fire.
  • Rapture tip 23. Repeat after me, “Screw you, Grandma, you’re not getting into my bunker without your own provisions.”
  • Rapture tip 24. Forget the golden rule. The rapture means never having to say you’re sorry.
  • Rapture tip 25. For heaven’s sake bring extra can openers into your bunker.
  • Rapture tip 26. Do not approach Paul McCartney or Elvis … we have still not determined if either are alive or will be returning as zombies.
  • Rapture tip 27. When looting don’t forget Burgess Meredith in Twilight Zone … steal extra pairs of glasses.
  • Rapture tip 28. Gather up as many pets as possible to keep in your bunker. 2 feet good, 4 feet bad.
  • Rapture tip 29. Remember, that which does not kill you must make you stronger than your neighbor, unless you have firearms.
  • Rapture tip 30. Essential bunker reference materials: The Lord of the FliesAnarchist’s Cookbookand The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
  • Rapture tip 31. If you forget everything else, remember … soylent green is people.
  • Rapture tip 32. The old adage is true … you don’t have to run fast, just faster than the guy who was ahead of you.
  • Rapture tip 33. It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
  • Rapture tip 34. Sacrificing virgins is a pagan ritual, this particular god won’t be swayed by a screaming, bikini-clad co-ed.
  • Rapture tip 35. Watching the “Thriller” video is not zombie research just as watching “E.T.” will not prepare you for dealing with our alien overlords.
  • Rapture tip 36. Eternity is a hell of a long time … bring playing cards and condoms.
  • Rapture tip 37. Do not kill other people when looting and rioting this will only increase the zombie population.
  • Rapture tip 38. People, please remember, DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!
  • Rapture tip 39. Do not get into a handbasket unless you are confident you are ready to go to hell.
  • Rapture tip 40. If you are “taken” on Saturday, it is considered uncouth to shout “I told you so” to those left behind.
  • Rapture tip 41. The “left behind” movie series is not factually accurate. do not take orders from kirk cameron.
  • Rapture tip 42. If you find yourself face to face with a group of zombies, do not yell “eat me” … they don’t understand sarcasm.
  • rapture tip 43. All our handbaskets are eco-friendly and will explode at the shores of the River Styx. Please exit quickly.
  • Rapture tip 44. Truism: that which does not kill you won’t really matter after Saturday.
  • Rapture tip 45. Please keep hands and feet in the handbasket until we reach hell … oh, never mind.
  • Rapture tip 46. Please refrain from smoking while in the handbasket … unless you are on fire.
  • Rapture tip 47. There is no food allowed in the handbaskets, so please do not share your basket with a zombie.
  • Rapture tip 48. Raid will not kill the swarms of locusts, although recent testing indicates that Axe Body Spray will disintegrate them.
  • Rapture tip 49. Your best chance of survival is the buddy system. Please, if you become a zombie, do not eat your buddy.
  • rapture tip 50. If you do not own firearms, make sure to locate a god-fearing neighbor who does.
  • rapture tip 51. Do not feed the stallions which are carrying the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. You don’t want to piss off death.
  • Rapture tip 52. On May 21 the world will explode. Do not bend over and kiss your ass good-bye … it just looks stupid.
  • Rapture tip 53. Everybody, say it with me … DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID! : )

Lazing on a Saturday Morning

Lazing on a Saturday Morning

Its been a long week - source: istockphoto.com

This past week wore me out.  I was in a contracting class that started an hour earlier than my normal work hours in a different location than my office.  Neither of these things are significant by themselves, but my schedule shifted 2 hours to accommodate the change, and being rather stubborn, did not adjust my bedtime.  So that means some sleep deprivation went on.

Last night, I barely made it through a celebratory family dinner before succumbing to the sandman.  Somehow, Tim and the Grrr Girls allowed me to sleep until 10:30am and then enjoy a leisurely breakfast on the back patio/terrace and reading until noon.

It is a gorgeous sunny day- 74 currently with a high of 80 expected. The Rose of Sharon treelings and the water oak nicely shading the patio table, while my favorite radio station plays on an app from my phone. I’m feeling very relaxed and almost all is right with the world.

It was very much appreciated a mini-retreat. What do you do to recharge after a long week?

breakfast on the porch

source: TripAdvisor

Peonys!

Earlier this month, my yard produced some beautiful purple and yellow Fleur de Lis (Lilies to those who don’t speak French) and now the Peony bush has burst forth with its firework like floral display. Their scent is smooth and sweet, their petals decadent in the sheer voluminous numbers.

Each year I live in the DC area, I pine for warmer climes in a more southern section of the United States. As sure as these flowers bloom each year, when I leave, I will miss their scent, their color, their symbiotic dance with ants.

Peonys!

Peonys, 2011

Peonys!

Peonys, 2011

We’ve owned our house for almost 5 years, and in that time, we made incredible progress in updating, changing, modernizing and decorating our humble cape cod. And because we care what our neighbors see when they look out their windows, or even folks just driving by, we’ve spent time and money re-landscaping the front yard: ripping out old trees, bushes and shrubs, not to mention reseeding, putting in new trees, shrubs and perennials. I’m not even mentioning the lawn service and what they’ve helped us accomplish.

But the backyard has been mostly a dumping ground, or at least that’s what it seemed like to me.  Tim’s non functioning motorcycle was permanently parked on the back terrace, along with the trash bins, recycle bin, wood planks and crown molding left over from other projects, empty planters, our fabulous grill and a vintage cast iron round outdoor dining table, 12 stack-able outdoor Grosfillex resin chairs (2 different styles!), a potted Confederate Jasmine plant, an archery target, and oh so much more…  (see image)

the backyard before photo

The before shot

When we’ve entertained, we had to do it in the actual yard, and I’m embarrassed to admit that while we cleaned up some of the more junky junk when folks came over,  the motorcycle, recycling bin and trash cans remained in their anointed places.  I cringe now when I think about it.

This past Sunday, we spent most of the day throwing out the junk, moving the motorcycle to the driveway (where it should have lived for the last almost 5 years…), moving the trash cans, and general clean up with the stick vacuum.  There’s significantly more to do to turn the terrace and backyard in to a well functioning attractive outdoor room, but the clean up is a significant start.  I’d like to say thanks to Valorie at Visual Vamp for the inspiration,  as she recently completed a years in the making revamp of her outdoor spaces for the the Shotgun Homes Tour.

This is where we started. I’ll share where the transformation along the way. Thanks for following along!

Irises in a blue and cream pitcher

Fleur de Lis from my yard, 2011

We’ve lived in our house for almost five years, and yet each spring I am surprised anew when the most surprising gifts of flowers spring from the nooks and crannies of our yard. Its iris time in the DC area, the yards in my neighborhood are producing some of the most amazing showcases of irises, bearded, pink, purple, orange, yellow, cream, green and hybrid colors such as orange and purple. My own hidden offering, is deep purple with yellow accents. Not showy for the multiple layers, but striking in its color contrast – see how the yellow pops against the purple.
 

The original owner of the house was genius in hiding plantings of perennial flowers, a lovely surprise as you come upon them. My iris, for example, are planted in one spot on the driveway side of house, and if I did not park in the driveway, I would surely miss them. I’m thankful for her whimsy, each year, as spring and nature conspire to show just how magical and magnificent they are.
 

Soon (perhaps next week?) it will be peony time. I only have one plant, but the buds are close to bursting and the ants have begun to congregate on them. I’ll share my bouquet with you when they arrive. Until then, please help yourself to my Fleur de Lis.

Easter weekend we were in New Orleans.  We stayed the Quarter, like always, listened to a great deal of fabulous music, shopped on Magazine Street, ate delicious meals and met up with the Visual Vamp and her husband Alberto for Easter brunch at Coquette.  It was a full and satisfying  trip and on Monday, with several hours to kill before heading home, we wandered through the CBD (Central Business District) into the Arts District and stumbled upon the Ogden Museum of Southern Art.

The museum is five stories with many different types of southern art displayed. The 5th Floor, and top of the museum features a rooftop terrace with the best ceilings installed by an expert roofing company you can get More Info online, this terrace is overlooking the bridges and inside the floor was curating an outsider art exhibition.  This was certainly interesting content, but a floor or two down, I fell in love.  Not lust, a crush or infatuation, but really and truly and completely love at first sight.  Who is my new love, you ask? It is the artist John Alexander, and he’s part of a new exhibition at the Ogden called: One World, Two Artists: John Alexander and Walter Anderson,  showing 21 April – mid July 2011.

“The work of Southern artists is often infused with a deep sense of place and time. Whether inspired by the small-town of the artist’s birth, the land, the waters, be it river, lake or sea, the music, the people or even the animals, that sense of place shows up in subtle, surprising or literal ways, unique to each artist. One World, Two Artists will attempt to show how the Gulf Coast was a shared source of inspiration to two native artists: John Alexander and Walter Anderson.” — One World, Two Artists: John Alexander and Walter Anderson exhibit, Ogden Museum of Southern Art

I liked Walter Anderson’s work, and the pairing of the two artists in the exhibit was inspired, but it was John Alexander’s work that really made my eyes bulge in a way that they hadn’t since discovering C. Ford Riley’s body of work.  Here’s my first glimpse of John Alexander, it was of The Beast, Arnhem Land, 2001.  He had me at the gator…

artist, John Alexander, The Beast, Arnhem Land, 2001, Alligator in water.

The Beast, Arnhem Land, 2001, copyright John Alexander

My second views were of his amazing charcoals and water colors, which inspired me to get back to my own drawing.  I’m not one for sea creatures, and most folks know that I’m not a big fan of sushi, but this fella is simply beautiful.

Octopus by John Alexander, charcoal and water color, 2010

Octopus by John Alexander, charcoal and water color, copyright 2010

And finally, a different style that is filled with tension, and crowns and a skull.  This one speaks to the macabre in me.  I’m sure Mr. Alexander would love that, but I am who I am.

Crowned Birds and Crowned Skull, by John Alexander, date unknown by me

Crowned Birds and Crowned Skull, copyright John Alexander, date unknown by me

If you’re any where New Orleans between now and mid July 2011, go see the exhibit.